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Why could my selflessness and love not save my ex-fiancé from abusing me? Where was God?


Thank you for contacting us with your important question. I am so sorry to learn that you have been abused. I am sure you have been left with emotional hurts even more painful than the physical pain that you have suffered. 

I have two close friends who both endured abusive relationships and one thing I have learnt from hearing their stories is that the abuse had very little to do with whether or not they behaved well. Abusers hurt people because that is their nature. Some have a personality disorder which means that they have very little sense of right and wrong. Narcissistic personality disorder would be an example of this. Others have great difficulty in controlling anger and some simply do not like women. 

It is a sad fact about women that we sometimes think that we can rescue a man from his anger and aggression if we love him enough. One of my friends put up with her husband's terrible abuse for over twenty years and continued to love him and even now, though they are divorcing, she would still say that she loves him. He has abused her physically and emotionally and has stolen her money, yet she still holds on to the belief that he might change. Sadly, this is an illusion. We can't save people from themselves, however loving and patient we may be. In fact, our patient endurance can give them the impression that they have the right to abuse us!

Every person is responsible to God for his or her own behaviour. We cannot be responsible for someone else's behaviour. Your ex-fiance will have to answer to God, as will you and I.

He will render to each one according to his works (Romans 2:6)

There is a way for people to be forgiven by God and to escape judgement of their sins.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him." (John 3:16-17)

I wonder have you repented of your sins and received the gift of eternal life from God, by faith? Have you received Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour? If so, then you can pray that He will also save your ex-fiance. He is the only One who can enable people to change, by giving us the Holy Spirit to live in us.

Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you? (1 Corinthians 3:16)

I hope that, as you walk with God by His Spirit and learn from His Word, you will be able to release your ex-fiance into God's hands and get on with your life. Let God build you up and make you a strong person who will never again attract an abuser. 

Professional counselling is available for victims of abuse, so consider talking to your doctor about this. I also recommend that you speak to the police about the abuse you have suffered. It is a crime for abuse to happen and reporting this crime may protect others from abuse by your ex-fiance. 

I do hope this general answer to your question goes some way to helping you. I pray, too, that you will find peace with God through Jesus Christ our Lord. If you want to know more about what Jesus has done for you please watch the video on the main part of our site: www.lookingforGod.

You do not say whether you are a churchgoer, but I want to encourage you to get more involved with a caring local church. It would be good to speak to a Christian leader or another trusted person at church about your question. I know they would be delighted to talk to and advise you, as well as offering prayer and support as you continue your spiritual journey:

Please use our Interactive Answer Matrix and feel free to ask another question. Our helpful staff are praying for you and waiting to try and answer to you from the Bible, and will be delighted to tell you more about Jesus Christ the Lord, the Saviour of the world.

*All Scripture references are taken From The English Standard Version of the Holy Bible unless stated otherwise

*If anything in this answer affects you directly, then please feel free to call our confidential prayer line in the UK on 0845 4567729, where trained Christian volunteers will take your call and pray both for you and with you. If you are outside of the UK then you may submit your request for prayer on line at

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